Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Green Sleeves

Ice Cream Van Chimes...

Chimes. You know, the twinky twanky crap noise that prepares parents to be tapped up for a quid or two as a pacifier for heir whining snotty offspring. Maybe you didn't realise, maybe you did; There are laws governing the use of ice cream van music. So next time Tarquin fancies a five quid Magnum Classic from the back of a pikeys van, think about how difficult it is for the vendor. No wonder they have to sell cocaine to make ends meet. And yes. I was surprised too. People get paid to make this stuff up you know...

1: Ice cream van chimes can only be used in hours between 1200 and 1900 (only for the sale of a perishable commodity for human consumption).
2: Ice cream van chimes cannot use words.
3: Ice cream van chimes cannot exceed 80 dB (less in a narrow street)
4: The sound of the chimes can't be distorted.
5: Chimes can't be played for more than 4  seconds.
6: Chimes cannot be played while stationary, only while drawing into a stopping place.
7: Chimes can't be played at more than 3 minute intervals and not more than once in 2 hours in the same street..
8: Chimes cannot be played within sight of another ice cream van.
9: Chimes can't be played within 50 metres of any hospital, school during school hours or a place of worship on a Sunday (or any other day of worship).
10: Chimes cannot be sounded in any way that may give rise to annoyance.

That's just the tip of the iceberg for the poor bugger who failed at school. Take into account food hygiene, insurance, driving licence, the sun never shines in the UK, etc.
Mind you. The whole trade stops a lot of knackered 1980's Ford Transits going to the scrappers....

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